Star Trek Rant

I thought long & semi flaccidly about how I should approach this rant on what is a groundbreaking & gloriously iconic addition to the Star Trek movie series. After all Star Trek & its various spinoffs are considered sacrement to a lot of people worldwide.Should I take the softer tack? Present the textual equivelant of roses & chocolate to a blind date before telling her she has lipstick on her teeth? Or should I get her drunk, date rape her in a public lavatory then propose? Either way is disrespectful to Trekkies, I know. I dont want to patronise or offend (much)so I decided to walk the perilous path between the two.

The other ways would be a bit like wanking in church.

Ive wanted to see this movie since I first heard about it & its reinvention excited me like the Olsen twins jelly wrestling. I conveyed my excitement to Tania & was met with (what I felt) was an underlying apathy. "Wolverine looks good", she soul destroyingly said. Hmmm.After a week of pathetic negotiations (the crux of my argument being - "Im going to see it with or without you!"). She agreed. My cold DeNiro like stare & pointing a gun at her dogs had no effect at all.At 1:10pm today my wish was granted.

On the way into the cinema I saw a poster promoting the next Quentin Tarantino movie "Inglorious Bastards" complete with a battle scarred soldiers helmet draped casually over an equally scarred baseball bat. I had to fight the tempation to pour my coke over my own head to stop Uncle Doug (my dick) bursting through my fly. We were sharing the drink & I didnt want her wringing out my shirt into the cup during the movie.

As the lights go down & the curtains roll back, please remember this is NOT a review.Simply a slightly unhinged observation from an enlighted idiot & it will contain spoilers so If you havent seen it, stop reading now.. as I'm sure most of you have already. Now down to business.

The Vulcan Hairstyle.
There is nothing to suggest the planet has more than one culture, race or similar sentient beings so why the same fucking haircut? Logic is the ruling principle amongst Vulcans, correct? So what is logical about a tupperware bowl cut with pointy sideburns?
Suggestions welcomed.

Red Matter.
This mysterious substance plays a pivotal part in the movie. Its significance is obvious but the origin or makeup is never revealed.A child behind us asked continual questions of his Forrest Gump like father including "What are Flocjaxian Mud Fleas? & Are they in space? who either answered "YUp","I kNow" or "You're Ma giirl Jennay" before the boy struck mother lode with "Whats Red matter Dad?" I thought,"Good question, Kid."My respect for him rapidly disappated when he decided to play drums on his Pepsi can.

Romulan mining drill.
A brutal umbilical like piece of hardware designed for mining purposes but as usual Eric Bana decides to blow up worlds with it. Sound in theory & practice.I understand the need for links, it has to be durable/flexible in unknown atmospheres. But..It stops 4 kilometres below the cloud line & the ship is invincible! Does it really need 100 meter spikes sprouting from all angles?Perhaps they just want to twat a flock of birds flying underneath or send a visual message to the planet in question "Hey conquered alien bitches!, Ive got a giant spiky cock thats gonna penetrate your mother world".

To be continued.. Until then Live Long & Prosper.You pointy eared, green blooded fuck.
Updated on Saturday · Comment · LikeUnlike